Relationships

Dating Violence is a pattern of behaviors that slowly develops in a relationship. People who choose to abuse their partners are making those choices based on their belief system. Maybe they feel like they have the right to have power and control over their partner or that controlling someone is the way to handle issues that come up in the relationship or that this is the way to have a relationship in general. For whatever reason, this belief system is learned and needs to be unlearned!

A person who is in an abusive relationship might not realize that they are being abused. It is important not to blame someone but to instead have empathy for those being abused or mistreated by their partners and to recognize why they might stay. For starters, someone in an abusive relationship probably does not want the relationship to end – they want the abuse to stop. They might be in love with their partner and hope for a change so they can stay together. The abuse also might not happen all the time – sometimes, the person may be charming and romantic and funny. It can be really confusing. Abuse develops over a period of time. The person being abused might have a lot invested in the relationship and not realize how bad the abuse has gotten. //(This information was adapted from the Family Crisis Services Organization in Portland, ME)//



__**How to help someone who is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship…**__


 * __Do:__ **

Listen.  Believe.  Recognize their strengths and point them out.  Offer your unconditional support.  Tell your friend the abuse is not her/his fault.  Identify the unhealthy choices or abuse in their relationship and reflect what you are seeing.  Express concern.  Encourage them to create a safety plan for themselves.  Offer resources – hotlines, websites and trusted adults.  Keep everything confidential.  Tell a trusted adult if you feel the person is in danger.  Get support for yourself.


 * <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Don't:__ **

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Blame them for the abuse. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Tell them to just break up with their partner. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Pressure them to do something they are not ready to do. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Criticize their partner – they might not feel comfortable coming back to you if they chose not to end the relationship. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Spread gossip.


 * <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">How to help someone who is making unhealthy choices or choosing to abuse their partner... **


 * <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Do:__ **

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Ask him/her a question and listen to their response. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Talk to them if you feel safe doing so – reflect the choices they are making that you think are unhealthy or abusive. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Confront the language they are using – for example, calling their partner names or talking down about them. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Help them clarify their feelings – point out that jealousy is not a sign of love. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Be consistent. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;"> Encourage them to be honest and to take responsibility for their actions and emotions.


 * <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">__Don't:__ **

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Condone the abuse by laughing or encouraging the abuser to keep treating their partner that way. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Remain silent. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Tell jokes or use language that puts others, particularly women, down. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Use violence to stop violence. Even if you think this might be a solution, it’s NOT. Threatening to harm or harming the abuser only puts the victim in more danger – chances are, he/she is going to take it out on their partner if you chose to use violence against them. <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Get stuck in the middle – try not to act as a mediator for the couple.


 * <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">Cool Websites to Check Out for More Info: **

<span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">[|That's Not Cool] <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">[|MTV's A Thin Line] <span style="font-family: 'Palatino Linotype','Book Antiqua',Palatino,serif;">[|Young Adult Abuse Prevention Program]

media type="youtube" key="hLvcSVgNqpk" height="315" width="560"